Never and Always
by JagfanNat
Summary: Suddenly, grabbing his chest, Harm turned pale, great pain showing on his face. Seeing this, Mac came rushing to his side. Putting her arm around his waist to support him, she held onto him as he slumped to the ground. "Someone call an ambulance!" R


HBX Challenge lines for February 2009.

Mac: Harm?

*(Harm reaches out and tentatively touches her arm.)*

Mac: What are you doing?

Harm: *(shaken)* Making sure it's you.

*Retreat Hell*

Disclaimer: Not mine, just having a little fun with them. Pretty Please, don't sue!

A/N Mucho thanks, as always, to NettieC, my faithful and trusted fixer of all things pertaining to grammar. Nettie, you rock!!

NEVER AND ALWAYS by JagfanNat

HOTEL NUEVO SIMPATICO

CIUDAD DEL ESTE, PARAGUAY

TUESDAY 2048 LOCAL

"Things are never gonna work out between us."

"Why not?"

"Because we both want to be on top and that's physically and emotionally impossible."

Harm looked disappointed but didn't say anything. Mac, also looking sad and disappointed, moved to get into the waiting taxi.

Suddenly, grabbing his chest, Harm turned pale, great pain showing on his face. Seeing this, Mac came rushing to his side. Putting her arm around his waist to support him, she held onto him as he slumped to the ground.

"Someone call an ambulance!" she screamed, as she cradled his head in her lap.

HOSPITAL DE CLINICAS

ASUNCION, PARAGUAY

TUESDAY 2213 LOCAL

Mac paced back and forth, for what seemed to be the millionth time, in the Emergency waiting area. Sixty-three minutes and twenty-two seconds had passed and she still had no news on Harm's condition. She was going stir crazy. And she was feeling guilty. She should never have said that she and Harm would never work out. She was just so frustrated with their dance, of going around in circles and never getting anywhere in their relationship. Never saying what they really meant, herself included. So she had said 'never' out of sheer frustration and exasperation. But she didn't mean it. And now she realized she may never have the opportunity to take it back.

"Sarah MacKenzie?" a voice called out from behind the triage desk, interrupting her thoughts.

"Yes, I'm Sarah MacKenzie," she answered, walking toward the desk, almost afraid to hear what they had to tell her.

"Senor Rabb want to see you, please come," the petite nurse announced quietly with a thick accent.

All Mac could think of was that he was alive; she could start breathing again!

"Is Mr. Rabb okay?" she asked the nurse.

"Senor Rabb condition is, how you say, stable? Ask doctor more information." she smiled sweetly.

They arrived at cubicle number nine, where the nurse pulled back the curtain enough for Mac to enter. Harm was lying on the gurney, eyes closed, with wires attached to his chest, and left hand. Mac was taken aback at how pale he looked, but was reassured by the steady sound of his heart beat on the monitor that he was, indeed, alive. 'Thank God,' she thought, as she walked quietly to his side and took his right hand gently in hers.

"Harm?"

At the touch of Mac's hand on his, Harm struggled to sit up before running his hand up the length of her arm to her cheek, stroking it gently with the back of his hand.

"What are you doing?" Mac asked a little confused.

"Making sure it's you," he replied simply.

"Why wouldn't it be me?"

"I expected you to be half way home by now."

Mac chose to ignore his comment and asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"They initially thought it was a heart attack. But after doing tests, they say it was an anxiety attack, brought on by stress. Apparently the symptoms can be very similar. "

Mac thought of their argument outside the hotel and immediately blamed herself.

"I'm so sorry, Harm -"

Harm cut in, knowing what she was doing. "It's not your fault, Mac. You have nothing to be sorry about."

"Yes I do! If we hadn't argued, if I hadn't said what I said -"

"Mac!" Harm tightened his hold on Mac's hand. "Don't ever apologize for the way you feel. If -"

"But that's just it, Harm, it's NOT how I feel." Mac sighed loudly. "It's not how I feel at all." she repeated in a whisper.

Confused, Harm asked, "Then why did you say it, Mac?"

"I...uh, I don't know. I guess I was exasperated with ...everything. We seemed to be constantly butting heads; trying so hard *not* to say how we really feel, always talking in riddles." Mac looked down at their hands clasped together, Harms thumb gently caressing her upper hand. "And in that moment I just couldn't see it ever working out between us."

Harm let out a heavy sigh which made Mac look up into his eyes. Almost afraid, Harm asked, "How *do* you feel, Mac?"

"How do *you* feel?" Mac countered with a small smile on her face.

They both chuckled. "We're quite a pair, aren't we?" Harm asked rhetorically.

They eyed each other for countless seconds, each waiting for the other to confess their feelings in a proverbial Mexican stand-off.

Nothing.

How had their relationship become so screwed up? Or had it always been screwed up? Mac thought back to the early days of their friendship, before Harm went back to flying. No, their relationship wasn't screwed up back then. How she wished things were now as simple and carefree as they had once been. But Harm always did have problems expressing his feelings and she finally realized that she would never be able to change that about him. Until he changed that about himself, she very sadly didn't think they could move forward.

'Leopards never change their spots,' Mac thought frustratingly before almost shouting, "See what I mean?!"

Feeling defeated, Mac removed her hand from Harm's grasp, and moved to leave.

"Mac, wait!"

"What?"

"Where are you going?"

"I need to change our flight out of this hell hole, and see if I can get our room back at the hotel. I'll be back soon," she replied gruffly.

One hour later, Mac returned to find Harm still in the same cubicle. He was dressed and looked much better, although very tired. Harm had spent the last hour thinking long and hard about what Mac had said. To that end, he realized that he was going to have to be honest with her and more importantly, himself, if he didn't want to lose her. The Admiral's parting words kept echoing in his head 'What are you willing to risk to keep her?' He'd told the Admiral that he hadn't thought it through that far, but now that he did think about it, he realized that risking his career and his life was not enough. He would have to be willing to risk his heart to keep her. Something he'd never risked with anyone before.

Mac, once she had calmed down, had also thought long and hard about their predicament. She was in love with Harm; had been for as long as she could remember. And she had finally resigned herself to that fact when she openly, though accidentally, admitted it to Sturgis well over a year ago. Harm, for as long as she had known him, had always been a doer rather than a talker. It was one of the first things that she had loved about him. His actions always spoke louder than words. When had that no longer been enough for her? He quit the NAVY for her, risked his life for her; gave up everything important to him for her. She knew that without him saying so, his actions said that he did love her. Then it dawned on her, it wasn't enough to know he loved her because she knew he did… what she didn't know was whether he was IN love with her.

'Time to find out,' she resolved, as she stepped into the cubicle.

"Hey, you're up and dressed. That's a good sign," Mac said softly.

"Yeah, the doc's cutting me loose under orders to take it easy for a few days."

"Well, that works out well because there are no flights out of here until Thursday night. Let's go Sailor."

"Yes, ma'am" Harm saluted.

The twenty minute taxi ride back to the hotel was a quiet one, with both passengers deep in thought.

HOTEL NUEVO SIMPATICO

CIUDAD DEL ESTE, PARAGUAY

WEDNESDAY 0038 LOCAL

"Home, sweet, home," Harm said as they entered their room.

"You want to use the bathroom first?" Mac asked, making her way to her suitcase lying open on the chair.

"Sure, I'm beat." he replied tiredly.

Twenty minutes later both were on their respective sides of the bed, on their backs, looking up at the ceiling like it had been painted by Michelangelo. After what seemed like hours, but was really only a few minutes of silence, Harm decided that he should probably say something.

"I'm sorry, Mac," was all he could come up with in his tired state.

"I'm sorry, too," Mac answered sadly. "Now, get some rest. We'll talk in the morning."

"Goodnight, Mac," Harm said, reaching tentatively to take her hand.

Mac squeezed Harm's hand gently. Maybe there was hope. "Goodnight, Harm."

HOTEL NUEVO SIMPATICO

CIUDAD DEL ESTE, PARAGUAY

WEDNESDAY 0407 LOCAL

Harm awoke with a start, feeling a smack across his chest. Sitting up and looking around the dimly lit room, he saw Mac tossing in her sleep. She was moaning as if in pain and getting more and more restless as he looked on. He placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently, calling her name, but she didn't respond.

"NO!" she called out frantically, followed by some incoherent mumbling.

"Mac, wake up," he said as he took her in his arms in an attempted to calm her.

She didn't wake, but continued to mumble in her sleep, getting more agitated.

He stroked her forehead gently with his fingers and whispered "It's okay, Mac, it's just a dream, it's okay." He repeated this a couple of times until she seemed to calm down, all the while gently stroking her forehead.

As she settled back into a peaceful sleep, Harm kissed her head and went to release her to go back to sleep himself. But Mac latched onto him saying "Don't leave me."

Harm looked down and saw that she was still asleep. He lay back down, holding her close against his chest and buried his face against her hair. Mac was tough; a marine. She could handle anything the world threw at her. Harm had seen this for himself over the years. So, he hated to think of what Mac had been put through in order for it to affect her this way.

He had been a jerk to her after rescuing her, he concluded. He had given up everything to come here and save the woman he loved, but seeing her kiss another man made him turn into a jerk; a jealous jerk. She didn't deserve that after all she'd been through. And if he'd stopped to think about the situation for just one second, he would have known that the kiss was nothing serious. They had just been through a harrowing ordeal together and Webb hadn't fared well. The proof was right before his eyes as Mac and Webb parted at the front of the hotel last night. She hadn't kissed him goodbye, hadn't even given him a friendly hug. There was nothing between them.

He held her a little tighter and kissed her forehead. "Never. I promise I'll never leave you," he whispered as he fell back asleep.

Mac woke up with the feeling of being watched. Opening her eyes slowly, she met Harm's eyes staring intently at her. He was sitting at the table having breakfast, which had been delivered to their room about ten minutes before.

"How long have you been watching me?" Mac asked huskily.

"About eight years," he replied seriously. "Good morning, Sarah" he added softly.

"Good morning." Mac was confused, sensing something had changed in her partner overnight. For one thing, she could count on one hand the number of times he had called her by her given name.

"Care for some coffee? It's not marine grade, but it's not bad."

"Sure," she answered, making her way to the bathroom. "I'll be right back."

A few minutes later, Mac returned and sat at the table opposite Harm and asked "How are you feeling today?"

"Good as new. You?"

"I'm fine, why do you ask?" she paused buttering her toast and looked up at Harm.

"You had a bad dream last night and I couldn't seem to rouse you from it."

"Did I? I'm sorry if I disturbed your sleep, Harm." She didn't remember dreaming, but she did vaguely remember waking in the night and finding herself in Harm's arms. But she wouldn't mention that if he didn't.

"No apology necessary, Mac. I was just concerned about you," he paused then asked, "What happened here, Mac?" He realized for the second time that he really knew very little of what she had been through here with Webb.

"Oh, not much, just your usual working vacation in Paraguay," she answered with a sarcastic chuckle.

"Mac!"

"Harm, I really don't want to talk about it and, trust me, you really don't want to know," she replied, taking a mouthful of coffee.

"Please, Mac," Harm said, taking her hand in his "I *need *to know."

Mac remained silent and Harm pleaded again, "Please, Mac."

For the next half hour, Mac slowly and painfully recounted her mission to Harm, leaving out no small detail. All the while, Harm held her hand, slowly stroking the back of it with his thumb, as he had at the hospital the previous night. He never interrupted her, nor asked any questions. He just let her talk.

When she finished he thought of the debt he now owed Clayton Webb for saving Mac from a fate far worse than what she had endured. Admittedly, it was Webb's fault that Mac had been in that situation to start with, but nonetheless, he had done the honorable thing.

Harm moved his chair next to Mac's, taking her hand in his again. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you, Mac."

"You *were* here for me, Harm, you and Gunny saved our lives. I know it's a little late, but thank you, Harm."

He looked deeply into her eyes, and then looked down, ashamed. "Mac, the last thing I deserve is your thanks after acting like such a jerk."

"Harm, look at me," she ordered, lifting his chin with her index finger "Giving up everything to come here and save me *does* deserve thanks, regardless of how you acted. So, thank you."

"You're welcome and I'm sorry I was a jerk to you," he said simply.

"I forgive you. Wait! Did we just communicate without it ending in an argument?"

"I think we did. Maybe there's hope for us yet, yeah?" he asked cautiously.

"Well, there's always hope," Mac replied with a small smile.

"I like always much better than never."

"Me too. Now, you want to tell me *why *you were such a jerk?"

"I, uh, I was jealous." They had been so honest with each other he didn't see any reason to stop now.

"*You* were jealous?" she asked incredulously.

"Insanely." He hesitated to continue, but then saw the opportunity to finally reveal his true feelings and decided not to let the opportunity slip by. It was time to take the biggest risk of his life. Mac's eyes started to water, maybe there was hope yet.

"I had given up my career, my life to come and find the woman I…" he swallowed hard, looking at their still joined hands, and continued, "the woman I love only to have her kiss another man. So, yeah, I was jealous."

Harm looked up, to find a single tear running down Mac's cheek.

"Harm, you big oaf, there's nothing between Clay and me. I kissed him because I didn't know if he would make it and I thought it would comfort him." She smiled shyly.

"I know that *now*. But at the time, I didn't know what had happened between the two of you or how close you might have become through the whole experience. And in case you missed it, I love you, Sarah."

"You do, huh?" she teased.

"More than life itself," he whispered, leaning towards her to place a tentative kiss on her lips.

"I love you too, Harm," she said between soft kisses.

"You do, huh?" Harm teased back

"Insanely *and* more than life itself," she threw back at him, smiling.

She kissed him deeply and he returned the kiss with hunger and passion. Coming up for air, he said "What's with the 'big oaf' crack?"

Mac laughed "Shut up and kiss me, Harm!"

"Yes ma'am!"

And he did.

THE END


End file.
